The Art of Argument and Balance of Debate

In the past few weeks and on more than one occasion, the topic of argument has come up in conversation. How we learn to argue sets the course for how we deal with differences of opinion the rest of our lives. I grew up in an average middle class family and my parents were healthy debaters. That isn’t to say they didn’t get along, they had 7 children so they got along at least 7 times in their 50+ years, but I swear they were the forerunners for the sitcom characters Edith and Archie Bunker. When they got into heated debate and I would ask them to quit arguing, my mother would say, “Honey, we’re not arguing, we’re discussing.” Their style was to take a position and defend it until h*ll froze over.

Does the desire to try to control an opinion often times overrule common sense? Do we respect other opinions regardless of ours? Agree to disagree? Or argue until it freezes over?

Are kids learning to solve or just to argue? Maybe debate should be an ongoing requirement of school curriculum. Sophistication of the home environment and parental maturity doesn’t necessarily determine whether a child will learn to argue and solve differences constructively. When a small child wants something he can’t have, an adult intervenes and explains the reasoning of denial or sharing. When a fight ensues with a peer, we tell our child to look for the fair ground and work out the difference. But when mom and dad are in full blown, ‘I’m not changing my mind no matter how long I’m cut off’ is when a child really learns are art of the fight and/or subsequent resolution. So to prepare kids for the real world of public and private debate, a conscious effort to teach constructive resolution should be foremost. Most of my generation can argue with the best of them, but can we really say we’ve learned how to resolve or agree to disagree? Kids need to learn to win when right and lose when wrong but when there is no meeting of the minds, to resolve without hurt feelings and anger. That’s the real art of the lesson. (I know you are all thinking I live in a dream world now that it’s only me and the dog.)

Winning should be the objective, but only to a certain point. With thought, maybe we can teach generation XX to win, or lose, or agree to disagree with respect. In the heat of battle, that final controlling word, the one that breaks the camel’s back, or worse, a friendship, may not be that important.